I found your post very moving, Siobhan. Like so many others, I’ve experienced so much of what you describe. Talking out loud about it, as well as writing, has helped enormously. In some ways the expererirence of doing the right thing by my Mum as she became frailer, in the context of the current (failing) adult social care system took me back to the 1990s when I was trying crack the code for combining career with the care needs of small children - the challenges were profoundly emotional, but also systemic . I often felt then that I was failing at something that others were finding easy, and it was somehow my responsibility to solve. It was like that with both my parents - all of us imperfect people, trying to do our best amid a system that was full of obstacles. Sending good wishes to you and your family. I loved your daughter’s drawing too :)
And now I’ve just read your ‘midlifer’ post. Your writing is very engaging and you’re right about the CV- worthy skills that caring - and dealing with systems around care - involves. It’s all so invisible, isn’t it ?! So finding a platform to write about it feels very potentially empowering . How wonderful that your relationship with your brother has been so improved. Unexpected good things have happened to my sibling relationships lately, through having to work together to support my parents . I wouldn’t have predicted it at all and it really is a positive .
Hi Siobhan. I’m so sorry to hear about your tragic early loss . I can imagine how life shaping it has been and how emotionally taxing writing the memoir must be at times too ?
My experience has been that I now feel at last some of the most painful aspects of my childhood , as well as of more recent years, are ‘on the outside of me’ now. It’s really helped my perspective on things. I didn’t really expect that - especially as writing it felt very difficult at times
The Bridport Prize is great! They needed 30,000 words in three stages - I think they asked first 8,000 for the initial submission. I found that the process really made me get on with writing the book throughout 2023. Excellent motivation! I think the 2025 comp is now open so you could check it on their website ? (There’s also an extract from my entry on the site somewhere too ☺️ )
Ooh thanks for that Tamsin. I’ve just taken a look. Looks like an excellent motivator. I wondered about the word limit being 30,000 words though - that’s not a full book. I’d be curious how you structured your story considering its only 30k? Feel free to contact me in the Chat (speech bubble on the left if you’re on a laptop) to continue this conversation.
And yes, it has been very emotionally taxing at times, but in a beautiful, necessary way - and seeing a therapist has really helped. Its enabling me to really honour the sacrifices of my Mum post accident, and also my Dad before it, as well as to make sense of what I’m going through now, with all the responsibilities that I’m carrying. So overall, a really life-giving experience for me and, I hope, for others once I finish it.
Hi Tamsin, and thank you for your lovely words, and insightful comments. You are so right about the parallels between this time of life we’re in and raising small children. That would make a good post. Have you written anything about this yet? I couldn’t see any posts by you.
I’m planning on writing more about my experiences as well as offering tips and guidance for those facing some of (if not all) of the issues I’ve faced. I’d like to help others with the things I’ve learnt along the way.
Thanks, Siobhan. I’m pretty new to Substack, but hoping to become more fluent! I’m working on a Memoir (close to complete, I hope) about how it feels to be navigating elderly parent care needs, when they haven’t always been able to meet one’s own, childhood, needs. The writing has, at times, been a solitary, almost private endeavour - it’s good to connect with others :)
I’m in the early stages of writing a memoir too so its great to connect! Mine is about my family’s tragic car accident in my teens (1985), how the loss of my sister and a functioning father has shaped my life, and how I learnt to survive not just thrive. I’m writing from my perspective now as a 50 something looking back, visiting those who supported us to find out what actually happened, taking the reader on a journey of discovery to learn about teenage grief, brain injury and the essential role of friends, family and faith in bringing healing and hope. My recent caring responsibilities and my mothers decline has spurred me onto write this, as I’m seeing the lingering effects of loss still playing out in my life. I’d love to hear more about your memoir and how you wrote it!
A beautiful and moving post Siobhan. Thanks for sharing your very honest experience. I am watching my mother experience similar with her mother, my gran, however she is older and suffers with Alzheimers also. It’s just heartbreaking witnessing decline of our mothers and grandmothers and there’s nothing that makes it easier. Please take great care of yourself too. It’s easy to underestimate the amount of care the caregiver really truly requires. So glad you have found a respite for your mother and I hope your mum meets new friends and good people here and it offers you some comfort and peace of mind. Sending love X
Thank you so much Carina for your kind words. I’ve received so many kind words from friends privately and on my FB/Insta feeds where I posted this, which has been such a comfort. Alzheimers is such a distressing disease. I’m just so grateful I don’t have that to contend with. Sadly the respite care isn’t working out as we’d have hoped….so I’m now handling that…. x
Well done Siobhan - it’s such a tricky balance isn’t it, respecting your Mum’s autonomy vs keeping her safe; controlling her pain but worrying about the falls risk from strong painkillers. Would she consider respite care just while she is on the morphine? Also - with my GP hat on - try and keep ahead of the game with the constipating effects of the painkillers. Hope she starts to feel better soon xx
Thanks so much Rachel for your kind words and advice. Since writing this post a few days ago Mum has realised that respite would be just what she needs and weve found a home she likes. It’s a big step but a necessary one. Will keep an eye on the constipation issue. Indigestion and stomach pain is the latest aggravation….
I found your post very moving, Siobhan. Like so many others, I’ve experienced so much of what you describe. Talking out loud about it, as well as writing, has helped enormously. In some ways the expererirence of doing the right thing by my Mum as she became frailer, in the context of the current (failing) adult social care system took me back to the 1990s when I was trying crack the code for combining career with the care needs of small children - the challenges were profoundly emotional, but also systemic . I often felt then that I was failing at something that others were finding easy, and it was somehow my responsibility to solve. It was like that with both my parents - all of us imperfect people, trying to do our best amid a system that was full of obstacles. Sending good wishes to you and your family. I loved your daughter’s drawing too :)
And now I’ve just read your ‘midlifer’ post. Your writing is very engaging and you’re right about the CV- worthy skills that caring - and dealing with systems around care - involves. It’s all so invisible, isn’t it ?! So finding a platform to write about it feels very potentially empowering . How wonderful that your relationship with your brother has been so improved. Unexpected good things have happened to my sibling relationships lately, through having to work together to support my parents . I wouldn’t have predicted it at all and it really is a positive .
Hi Siobhan. I’m so sorry to hear about your tragic early loss . I can imagine how life shaping it has been and how emotionally taxing writing the memoir must be at times too ?
My experience has been that I now feel at last some of the most painful aspects of my childhood , as well as of more recent years, are ‘on the outside of me’ now. It’s really helped my perspective on things. I didn’t really expect that - especially as writing it felt very difficult at times
The Bridport Prize is great! They needed 30,000 words in three stages - I think they asked first 8,000 for the initial submission. I found that the process really made me get on with writing the book throughout 2023. Excellent motivation! I think the 2025 comp is now open so you could check it on their website ? (There’s also an extract from my entry on the site somewhere too ☺️ )
Ooh thanks for that Tamsin. I’ve just taken a look. Looks like an excellent motivator. I wondered about the word limit being 30,000 words though - that’s not a full book. I’d be curious how you structured your story considering its only 30k? Feel free to contact me in the Chat (speech bubble on the left if you’re on a laptop) to continue this conversation.
And yes, it has been very emotionally taxing at times, but in a beautiful, necessary way - and seeing a therapist has really helped. Its enabling me to really honour the sacrifices of my Mum post accident, and also my Dad before it, as well as to make sense of what I’m going through now, with all the responsibilities that I’m carrying. So overall, a really life-giving experience for me and, I hope, for others once I finish it.
Hi Tamsin, and thank you for your lovely words, and insightful comments. You are so right about the parallels between this time of life we’re in and raising small children. That would make a good post. Have you written anything about this yet? I couldn’t see any posts by you.
I’m planning on writing more about my experiences as well as offering tips and guidance for those facing some of (if not all) of the issues I’ve faced. I’d like to help others with the things I’ve learnt along the way.
Thanks, Siobhan. I’m pretty new to Substack, but hoping to become more fluent! I’m working on a Memoir (close to complete, I hope) about how it feels to be navigating elderly parent care needs, when they haven’t always been able to meet one’s own, childhood, needs. The writing has, at times, been a solitary, almost private endeavour - it’s good to connect with others :)
I’m in the early stages of writing a memoir too so its great to connect! Mine is about my family’s tragic car accident in my teens (1985), how the loss of my sister and a functioning father has shaped my life, and how I learnt to survive not just thrive. I’m writing from my perspective now as a 50 something looking back, visiting those who supported us to find out what actually happened, taking the reader on a journey of discovery to learn about teenage grief, brain injury and the essential role of friends, family and faith in bringing healing and hope. My recent caring responsibilities and my mothers decline has spurred me onto write this, as I’m seeing the lingering effects of loss still playing out in my life. I’d love to hear more about your memoir and how you wrote it!
A beautiful and moving post Siobhan. Thanks for sharing your very honest experience. I am watching my mother experience similar with her mother, my gran, however she is older and suffers with Alzheimers also. It’s just heartbreaking witnessing decline of our mothers and grandmothers and there’s nothing that makes it easier. Please take great care of yourself too. It’s easy to underestimate the amount of care the caregiver really truly requires. So glad you have found a respite for your mother and I hope your mum meets new friends and good people here and it offers you some comfort and peace of mind. Sending love X
Thank you so much Carina for your kind words. I’ve received so many kind words from friends privately and on my FB/Insta feeds where I posted this, which has been such a comfort. Alzheimers is such a distressing disease. I’m just so grateful I don’t have that to contend with. Sadly the respite care isn’t working out as we’d have hoped….so I’m now handling that…. x
So sorry the respite hasn’t worked out. Hopefully the right care solution will present itself! Sending love x
Getting to this stage of life is so difficult - for them and us! Glad to hear you’ve found a place now, hope that works out well for all of you xx
Oh I’m so glad you have found her somewhere and you can rest a little easier!
Well done Siobhan - it’s such a tricky balance isn’t it, respecting your Mum’s autonomy vs keeping her safe; controlling her pain but worrying about the falls risk from strong painkillers. Would she consider respite care just while she is on the morphine? Also - with my GP hat on - try and keep ahead of the game with the constipating effects of the painkillers. Hope she starts to feel better soon xx
Thanks so much Rachel for your kind words and advice. Since writing this post a few days ago Mum has realised that respite would be just what she needs and weve found a home she likes. It’s a big step but a necessary one. Will keep an eye on the constipation issue. Indigestion and stomach pain is the latest aggravation….
Love this post Siobhan, your daughter’s pastel is beautiful. A great combination of words and a picture to convert emotion xx